Confessions of a 97 pound weakling!

So this one day I was just toodling along on the beach with my briefcase full of comic books and computer parts because i needed to get some important work done! I decided to wear shoes as well because you just don't know what you may step on out in the sand: like crabs and pricklers and maybe someone's used hypodermic needle because i saw this documentary once about junkies and how they don't care where they shoot up these days. What is this world coming to? Luckily there are people like me who plan on fixing everything and know how to think for themselves and don't need drugs to change their lives and get friends and have sex. One of these days those chatroom women who claim i'm a '$tud' will take my offer to bus them to me and then we'll see who's laughing! Take that druggie freaks! The other reason i was wearing shoes was to show off my new brown socks, all the rage in Finland i've read on the internet. Yes, i was feeling mighty confident in myself!
That's when i noticed a musclebound jerk with two women basically attached to his biceps. A strong urge to mope swelled within me but i fought valiantly against it, deciding instead to try and allure one if not both of the women away with my superior intellect. However, as i approached the oaf got in his quip first (as seen in an artist's portrayal above). Not allowed to colloquialize my charismatic nature to the scantily-clad females without uncomprehension on their part, i sauntered away plotting another rout to which i could garner their attention.
It was not much later that i espied the lustful ladies coming towards me, probably heading in the direction of the port-a-johns erected near the entrance of the beach. Using tactical wit, i was able to get ahead of them, putting on the guise that i was to purchase some ice cream from a stand in the same general location, yet not so far ahead of them to be unable to catch snippets of their convesation. [note drawing]----->
I was stunned! Not only were they unattracted to my superb physique, but they somehow learned my name! Was there a mass conspiracy plotting against me within that elusive world known as the Feminine Kind?! Was the name of Roger Plotznik just a smear on the charts of social standing and why wasn't I informed years ago about this predicament? Better yet, why hadn't the incalculable power of my mind picked up on such subtley scathing vibrations passing between the lips of society? Dejected, I made a solemn vow never to set my sock-and-shoed feet upon this turgid ground ever again! And never again shall i gaze longily upon those of the opposite sex outside the comforting domains of internet pornography, whose models perform their multi-stylized sex acts specifically for social outcasts such as your most humble and putrid narator! Woe to see your hero in such a state!
Fear not, though, for as i was about to plunge myself into the soiled pits of the ethernet, tears dropping onto my laptop, a strange and mystical spector appeared in the air! It was none other than the beacon of masculinity and transformer of the mundane himself, the floating bust of CHARLES ATLAS!!!
"O great CHARLES ATLAS!" I cried tears of disbelief! I thought he was just some rough cut and paste job those hacks in the advertisement business did to sell crap to impressionable youths, not an actual demi-god! "Teach me the ways of your work out manuels so that I will no longer be a shrimp!"
"BUY MY BOOKS, PISSANT! BUY THEM OR I WILL KICK SAND IN YOUR FACE!" HE demanded. "AND AFTER THE SAND-KICKING I WOULD EAT YOU, PROBABLY! I WOULD HAVE TO WASH YOU OFF, CUZ LIKE WHO EATS THINGS WITH DIRT ON THEM? LOSERS AND GEEKS, THAT'S WHO! NOT ME! CUZ YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?"
"Why you're CHARLES ATLAS!" I replied with quivering awe.
"YOU BETTER FREAKING BELIEVE IT, YOU LITTLE JERK! LICK MY NOSTRILS AND RECIEVE MY BLESSING! DO IT!!!" I would like to think that if he had fists, he would have been shaking them.
After tasting his divine boogers, my body started to ache all over. My back started cracking and elongating; my muscles surged with blinding pain, my genitals shrunk, and my jaw became a box made of cardboard, all while HE was laughing maniacally. The torturous transformation took about five hours to complete, but afterword I found myself a venerable hulkling! I decided to go back and teach that bastard festooned with woman a lesson for making fun of me! Boy, i thought, will he be surprised. It took me an hour to walk the couple hundred feet to where he was sitting due to the fact that i had to now compensate for five hundred pounds of muscle. But when i finally got there...
I made up some stuff about a bag of bones....but like god man i was so pumped, i could feel muscle replacing my brain i think. And one of dem chicks was so impressed she called me a He-Man cuz that's what i becomed ..huh huh... yet she called me Joe, so i was like why be Roger Nobodyski anymore...from now on I be Joe Cockburn! Yeah, i used to be skinny..but now i's gots muscles even in my ears! Life good..sex much...thanks floaty head CHARLES guy..thing. Where's my beer? That witch better have gots it from da store like i's told her! Time to go clean my gun, cuz it has replaced my junk due to it disappearing like poof. ... ... ... get outta my house!! Huhuhuh!
(Joe Cockburn i.e. Roger Plotzski is currently on display at the Museum of Natural Freaks right next to the Platypus. Museum hours are 2-8p Monday through Friday. 1-5 on Saturdays and closed Sundays.)